Kardashian Fantasy Awards Week Two
Two weeks down, and technically 14 weeks to go in the fantasy season unless your league is run by re-tards and has the championship game in week 17. Shout out to the boss man at IHJJR for making good to our twitter avatar bet after the Eagles victory over Ravens. Although the real losers here were the fans of both teams after the horrendous officiating from the scabs.
Quick reminder as always:
Kim Kardashian Award represents the best expected performance.
Kourtney Kardashian Award represents the best unexpected performance.
Khloe Kardashian Award represents the most hideous performance.
Kim Kardashian Award
3rd Place – CJ Spiller (15 carries for 123 yards and 2 TD’s, 3 catches for 47 yards)
CJ took over for the injured Fred Jackson last week, and is definitely the running back with the initials CJ that you want to own. More on that later. With Ryan Fitzpatrick at QB and Stevie Johnson and the ghost of Terrell Owens at WR, I would expect to see a lot of 8 man fronts from the Browns’ defense in week 3 to stop Mr. Spiller.
2nd Place – Hakeem Nicks and Victor Cruz (Nicks: 10 catches for 199 yards and 1 TD; Cruz: 11 catches for 179 yards and 1 TD)
Double up with . . .
1st Place – Eli Manning (31 for 51 510 yards 3 TD”s 3 INT’s)
Pretty much the entire Giants’ offense took home Kim (I know not a hard thing to do) except for the injured Ahmad Bradshaw. Fantasy karma bit me in the ass big time once Bradshaw was out of the game with only 16 total yards and Eli threw 3 picks in the first half, who my opponent started both, I thought it would be a nice little Sunday. That’s when Eli turned into freaking Liam Neeson in Taken 2 (see trailer below), with Nicks and Cruz portraying his smoking hot wife and totally out of high school daughter respectively. Remember we are definitely anti-#TCAP (To Catch a Predator) at the Kardashian Awards, hail Chris Hansen. Even though Eli’s QB rating was only 89.5 on the day thanks to the interceptions, my fantasy team was still FUBAR’d.
Kourtney Kardashian Award
3rd Place – Green Bay Defense/Special Teams (10 points allowed, 168 yards, 4 INT’s, 7 sacks)
After the decent showing by Jay Cutler and the Chicago offense combined with the 49ers ability to move the ball last week, the domination by the Green Bay defense could definitely be seen as unexpected. Maybe Cuddles Cutler had to spend some extra time changing the diapers of his newborn’s son with reality star Kristin Cavallari this week and didn’t have time to recognize Clay Matthews blitzing on 98.6% of the time. Can we just do one of those Kelly Kapoor Indian arranged marriages now for their son and Kourtney Kardashian’s baby daughter and get it over with? I’m sure Ryan Seacrest already bought the rights to the show.
2nd Place – Brandon Weeden and Trent Richardson (Weed: 26 for 37, 322 Yards, 2 TD’s ZERO INT; T-Rich: 19 carries for 109 yards and 1 TD, 4 catches for 36 yards and 1 TD)
Richardson should have ended up in the Khloe awards last week with his quarterback, but they both bounced back for great games against a pretty good Bengal defense. Trent looked like he was running against one of the Division 2 defenses that Alabama seem to play at least twice each year. And Weeden made the Battle of the Ginger Quarterbacks with Andy Dalton much closer than expected.
1st Place – Danny Amendola (15 catches for 160 yards and 1 TD, 1 fumble lost)
Wes Welker is supposed to be the only white midget WR putting up these types of numbers. Amendola is usually good for 8 catches and 80 yards at best, but he doubled that number this week in the Rams’ victory over the RGIII’s. He looks to be back from a season ending injury last year, and ready to take his rightful place as the leader of the White WR Lollypop Guild.
Khloe Kardashian Award
3rd Place – Chris Johnson (8 carries for 17 yards; 2 catches for 11 yards)
CJ-LessThan.03K probably has more career Khloe awards than Kim awards at this point. Chris seems like the type of guy that plays more Madden than watching actual game film, so for some inspiration here are some highlights from a random dude making plays with Chris Johnson in Madden. This is probably the first time CJ fantasy owners have seen his “get away from the cops speed” like this since 2010.
2nd Place – Darren McFadden (11 carries for 22 yards, 2 catches for 19 yards)
Sorry Run DMC, I know you got poked in the eye but that isn’t enough of an injury to excuse this performance against the Dolphins. The Miami defensive players they showed on Hard Knocks were Vontae Davis when he got traded and the rookie defensive linemen that took a load of bleach in their hair and didn’t even make the team.
1st Place – Larry Fitzgerald ONE FREAKING CATCH FOR FOUR DAG NAB YARDS!!!!!!!!!!!! I am still trying to understand those words like Chris Tucker was trying to understand Jackie Chan in Rush Hour. He only had 5 targets compared to 11 last week against an improved but weak New England secondary. I didn’t think anything could make me as mad as watching USC linemen let the Stanford D-line take free shots at Matt Barkley all night, but Fitzgerald’s performance did it. Even with TweedleKolb and TweedleSkelton at QB last year, Fitz was over 50 yards receiving every game except two. And he had at least 40 yards in both of those games. If I see anymore bullshit games like this from Larry, I’m sending The Dude and Walter after your ass! NSFW obviously. DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS LARRY!?!?!?!!?!?
BONUS REGGIE BUSH AWARD
Reggie Bush (26 for 172 yards 2td’s, 3 catches for 25 yards)
I can’t remember if I gave Reggie an award named for himself yet, but figured it would be a good week. Reggie went through the Raiders defense like Run DMC should have run through the Dolphins. Since Reggie was almost Kim’s second ex-husband before Kris Humphries, most will always associate him with Kim. Reggie and Kim are both major opportunists, and Reggie now has had 20 carries in 4 of last 6 games counting the end of 2011. Prior to this stretch, he only had 20 carries twice in his career which was mostly spent dating Kim. Now that Reggie is back to USC form, we might see Kim start to look at Reggie again like this trainer from South Carolina does this wide receiver.